Well, I just got my laptop today. I actually like having this and I might start writing in my blog again now that I have this because I can take it with me and write whenever I feel compelled to instead of felling like I have to write at the end of the day. Things have actually been kinda difficult lately. I slept for about an hour last night. That suxed. I ended up giving up on sleeping at like 6 am. Anyways, I really don’t know what to say at the moment since I haven’t written anything in so long. Ever since graduation I have been having a really hard time. It feels like everything that I have been running away from for the past 3 years has all of a sudden hit me in the face. I was a mess this weekend but I have managed to completely surpress everything again. I am going to CIY on Sunday though and the theme this year is “Ones” with the slogan “we were never meant to be alone.” I have sooo many issues in that area. One of the big reasons I have turned to suicide in the past is because I felt completely and utterly alone and felt like absolutely no one could help me. I generally try to ignore those feelings tho I was definitely feeling that way Saturday night. The fact that I never resolved things with KR really bugs me. The last day of school I really wanted to talk to her like on a serious level but she didn’t want to. She didn’t like blatantly blow me off but she was quick to get away from situations in which we would be able to talk. Idk. It’s like I have always wanted to be able to tell her all of this stuff that has gone through my head but I knew I couldn’t. I guess I had always hoped in the back of my mind that things would somehow just work out and I would have a happy ending. I know, wishful thinking. Anyways, basically since I actually graduated I have been having a hard time dealing with everything. I guess the whole financial thing has been a really big issue to. Actually applying for the loans makes it real. It means that I am committed to this future and I have never really been committed to any future because I don’t really have a future in my mind. Like even though I am technically already a student at RIT it still isn’t real to me. I don’t think anything in my life will ever be real. Anyways, Saturday night was a mess and then I woke up Sunday morning teetering on the edge of a mental breakdown from the moment that I woke up. I went to church and knew that I was going to have issues because I was just a ball of stress and emotions. For service we had a guest speaker that talked about orphans in the Ukrain. It was interesting but really sad. And then I was even more upset because I felt like I was an idiot to be so upset when I had so much more than these little kids. I have actually been told things like that before, but idk. I can’t really explain why I feel like I do or why I am so messed up but it is how I am. I managed to not get upset during service though I felt like crap. After that we had Encounter. That is always hard on me because I actually have the ppl there that I really want to talk to but can’t really talk to. I ended up getting upset. I was like practically making my lip bleed I was biting on it so hard trying not to cry. I was standing there being upset with Becky and Courtney hugging me, when I decided to leave just because I didn’t want to be crying. I think that Courtney had no idea what to do but she wanted to help. They ended up following me into the bathroom. Idk if I wanted them there or not. I wanted the support but I felt sorta ashamed for being upset. Becky said a little prayer for me and then we went back out to Encounter. Afterwards Becky was hugging me and asked if there was anything that she could do. In all honesty there isn’t much anyone can do. I just said I don’t know. Then she said “Well as soon as you do know, let me know.” Idk why, but that really meant something to me. Anyways, I don’t know how to handle things right now. I don’t want to try to depend on people because I have promised myself so many times that I wouldn’t turn to anyone. I can depend only on myself. I have tried so many times to try to depend on people and it has always made my life worse. I promised that I wouldn’t let myself do that anymore. Anyways, I have currently blocked out most of the issues that hit me earlier in the week so I am pretty much fine now. I haven’t done much of anything lately. Today was actually a really really long day just because I didn’t really sleep. Like usually I would sleep in until noon but today I didn’t really sleep so I was up doing things since like 6 and was up since 4. Anyways, I am really happy that I got my laptop now though it has kinda been a pain in the butt with transferring things. I got a mouse for it a few minutes ago so I guess that makes me happy. The little keypad was a pain in the butt. I hate it. But I got a wireless mouse and I got some DVDs so I am hoping to put some of my sci-fi shows on DVDs so I won’t take up so much space with them. I might actually download more of them because I deleted so many for lack of space. Anyways, I guess that is all I have to say at the moment. I haven’t written anything in a long time but it is easier to just have my laptop here to write what I am thinking instead of forcing it. I don’t think that I am even really supposed to bring it with me to CIY but I need to write. It is going to be a hard week and so I think I am going to bring it. Especially considering that we are probably going to be 4 people per room. It is going to be an insanely hard week because I am going to try to actually open up. I need to figure things out but I also need to have a place to get away from it all and all of the people. Well, I am going to stop for now. I have written so much more than I have in months. Maybe I will continue my blog now.